"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via littlegirlinwaiting)
This is some great advice right here.
BEST THING I have ever read right there
This is awesome.
(Source: slambien, via gardenofeidan)
You would think that teenagers would be the rudest customers when really it’s mostly old, middle-aged people.
#SERIOUSLY #THE TEENAGERS ARE SO SHY AND POLITE AND NICE #MEANWHILE THE MIDDLE AGED ADULTS ARE THE RUDEST PIECES OF SHIT
The elderly are either adorable or the wrinkly reincarnation of Satan there is no in between
sorry kids you’re either going to have to get a job or go to uni
oh but uni’s probably going to cost you more so you’ll need to do both
also we don’t have enough jobs for you
(Source: leelinschin, via askinnyblackman)
Things I am certain of
- I have an obsession with books.
- I detest maths, and can’t understand sciences like chemistry or physics.
- I love the rain, I love the contrast between grey skies and vivid green flora.
- I consider myself more English than Australian.
- I am terrified of death.
- I have a strong fear of breaking my back and/or neck.
- I have a fear of falling, or tripping down stairs.
- I have a problem of wanting people to like me.
- I am not smart. Just average.
- I am in a relationship.
- I am in love.
- If I was an animal, I’d be a cat.
- I am an introvert. Takes a while for me to open up to people.
- I like the people I currently work with.
- I miss certain people from my past
Need to eat cleaner, need to eat more, need to drink more water, and need to get good rest. My energy levels are low and it’s starting to affect me in multiple ways.
"Just know that I love you. I love you with all of my fucked up, piece of shit heart."
— 2:15 am (via milkako)
(Source: we-are-the-reckless-youthhhh, via sidnugget)
"What does seventy million years mean to beings who live one-millionth as long? We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever."
— Carl Sagan, Cosmos pg. 27 (via wethinkwedream)
"When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words."
— Thema Davis (via onigiri85)
(Source: onlinecounsellingcollege, via cumfort)